Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Above: The only thing more irritating than a puny human girl with a ponytail is THREE puny human girls with ponytails
Like so many offensive horse sims, Horse Stars unabashedly targets the all-mighty human girl gamer demographic, riding on the hopes that their pathetic fantasies of owning their own pony IRL will convince them to pony up for the chance to own a virtual equine.

When I first heard of Horse Stars, I thought that the games industry had finally seen fit to produce a title I could wholeheartedly endorse with all four of my hooves. I thought that for once, I could play a game about horses where the horse truly was the ‘star’ – and not a simple object straddled by some puny human girl living beyond her means through another god damn pet simulator.

It makes my incredibly muscular haunches weary as I imagine how truly awesome a real all-horse MMO might’ve been. Imagine a MMORPG where horses aren’t mere mounts, a game where I could form parties with my fellow equestrians, clearing dungeons for rare drops and better gear. And don’t even get me started on the end-game. Picturing myself trampling a raid boss with my superior DPS makes me want to cry, because I now know that a title like that would be too awesome for a non-horse game development studio to comprehend.

Above: Where' the hardcore horse-centric combat? Where's the loot? Where are the quests? Horse Stars is nothing but another horse grooming sim disguised as a game actual horses  might be interested in

Of course, I would never cry. Not really. That’s something that always has – and always will be – best left to planet Earth’s weakest inhabitants of all: the human gamer. Consider this games journalist officially disappointed with what might have been the best thing to happen to the hardcore horse community since Bethesda released the equine armor pack as DLC for Oblivion.

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